Elrich’s Bloated Ego Requires Two Elected Offices to Contain It

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an announcement triggering a regional shortage of eye-rolling and dramatic sighs, County Executive Marc Elrich declared today that he will once again lower himself to walk among the mortals — this time as a mere County Councilmember — because the ungrateful peasants still haven’t learned to govern themselves without their One True Savior.

Sources inside the Executive Office Building report that when voters passed term limits last fall by a margin usually reserved for “Do you like oxygen?” referendums, Elrich locked himself in his office with a legal pad, emerging fourteen hours later with an 38-page manifesto explaining why only he can save the county from developers, climate change, Capital Bikeshare, the Planning Board, leaf blowers, ICE, upzoning, the downcounty, the upcounty, the midcounty, bike lanes, bus lanes, moldy schools, WMATA, and especially Hans Riemer.

“I am the Alpha and the Omega Plan,” Elrich proclaimed in a campaign email. “I am bus rapid transit that was promised. I am the rent control, I am density, I am the agricultural reserve’s personal bodyguard. Without me, developers would be paving over your children right now.”

The kickoff event, scheduled for December 4 at McGinty’s Public House, has been rebranded as “The Second Coming of MoCo Democracy.” Attendees are required to wear sackcloth adorned with “Marc Is My Co-Pilot” buttons. After parting the crowd like the Red Sea, Elrich will turn water into Purple Line funding, and heal the lame with vouchers for the Dennis Avenue health clinic.

County residents, many of whom have been trying to escape Elrich’s benevolent rule since the Clinton administration, reacted with the same exhausted resignation felt after the Commanders fell to 3 and 8 on Sunday. "It's been since 1992 that they were consistently mediocre, so no biggie if Marc takes 4 more to try and get there too," said a weary resident.