Montgomery County Educators to Be Paid in ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Until Payroll Glitch Resolved
After weeks of silence and mounting outrage over Montgomery County Public Schools’ failure to pay hundreds of classroom staff during the summer months, the school system announced Tuesday that affected employees will now be compensated with “thoughts, prayers, and a deep sense of appreciation.”
“While it’s true that many of our paraeducators and special ed staff have not received a paycheck since June, what they have received is our eternal gratitude,” said MCPS Payroll Response Coordinator, Ollie Callous, who confirmed he is not among those missing pay. “We are confident this emotional compensation reflects the county’s core values.”
To soften the blow of being involuntarily volunteered into unpaid labor, MCPS has released a new printable ‘Certificate of Appreciation (Unpaid Edition)’, suitable for framing or bartering at local farmer’s markets. “We really wanted to give them something tangible,” said Human Resources representative Hope Charity.
In response to the ongoing crisis, MCPS Superintendent Dr. Thomas W. Taylor unveiled EduCoin, a blockchain-backed substitute for wages. The currency can be redeemed for classroom supplies at Office Depot and OfficeMax stores county-wide, or used to bid on leftover granola bars from the Central Office breakroom.
“This is a wealthy county, yes,” said Taylor, “but wealth isn’t always financial. Sometimes it’s spiritual. Sometimes it’s honey, oats and craisins.”
Teachers say it's not enough. “My landlord doesn’t take EduCoin,” said special ed paraeducator Maria Montessori. “Also, I had to cancel my son’s birthday party, and I’m out of printer ink. So no certificate either.”
Payroll Priorities
MCPS clarified that while central office staff and administrators have continued to receive paychecks, classroom personnel were affected by what officials repeatedly called a “minor, cascading glitch with a mischievous little personality.”
When pressed for details, district spokespeople declined to explain why the glitch seemed to target only direct educators. “We don’t want to assign blame,” said Callous, “but the glitch does hate children.”
Union leaders have filed formal grievances, which sources say MCPS has stored in a temperature-controlled vault next to a commemorative plaque reading “We Hear You (™).”
MCPS believes the issue will be resolved soon. “No later than next week, or the following, but that's contingent on summer vacation schedules in the IT department, and it's August, and you know, the call of Thrashers can't be ignored, especially when you're flush on payday,” Taylor said.
