The Onion's Rot: From Parody Champ to Trademark Tyrant
Global Tetrahedron, the self-styled "media guru" group that snapped up The Onion in 2024, has completed the satire site's transition from hilarious protector of parody to humorless corporate bully. The formerly funny website threatened legal action this week against The Montgonion, a plucky little local satire site serving Montgomery County, Maryland, claiming trademark infringement and dilution over the name "Montgonion" and its domain. The same brilliant new Onion bosses trying to resuscitate print media's rotting corpse say blending "Montgomery" with "onion" to create the place-specific portmanteau "Montgonion" for a hyper-local humor website is an existential threat to their global fake news empire.
For decades, The Onion has positioned itself as the noble defender of parody and independent satire. When the case of an Ohio man arrested in 2016 for creating a parody Facebook page mocking his local police department reached the Supreme Court in 2022, The Onion swooped in with a side-splitting amicus brief, arguing passionately “that the law must protect the right of creators to mock authority without fear of legal retaliation.” In that brief, The Onion famously mocked the legal premise that the public consists of "total saps" who are unable to distinguish between a joke and reality. They argued that the "reasonable person" is perfectly capable of navigating satire without being spoon-fed. Yet, in targeting The Montgonion, the new management is forced to argue the exact opposite: that an average Marylander is so hopelessly dim-witted they might accidentally mistake a hyperlocal blog about suburban zoning for a global media titan. By claiming trademark "confusion," Global Tetrahedron has officially adopted the very "humorless" and condescending view of the public that The Onion once spent pages skewering.
Furthermore, the brief warned of a "stark choice" facing creators: "stop parodying altogether, or start including a 'this is a joke' disclaimer." The Onion argued this was a death sentence for the craft, a "warning label on a pack of cigarettes" that ruins the art. Today, they are the ones forcing that same choice onto a non-revenue hobbyist. By wielding the "humorless grip" of trademark law against a tiny local sprout, they have transitioned from the parodist being bullied to the bully doing the chilling, effectively demanding that everyone else stop "onion-themed" wordplay or face a corporate firing squad.
In 2023, The Onion again inserted itself as the national defender of beleaguered parodists, filing another amicus in a Supreme Court showdown over a dog toy parodying a Jack Daniel's whiskey bottle as "Bad Spaniels." There, they championed trademark parody as essential to free speech, arguing that overzealous IP claims chill creativity and humor. They positioned themselves as allies to small creators, fighting against big brands that wield legal hammers to squash fun. Sound familiar?
Before the suit-and-tie efficiency of Global Tetrahedron came along, The Onion was the underdog's best friend, known for its "stick it to the man" attitude. They mocked the very idea of taking parody too seriously, turning legal filings into performance art to highlight the absurdity of censorship. Now they are "the man." Threatening a non-revenue generating hobbyist's creation focused on one Maryland county's quirks betrays The Onion brand. The word "onion" has been fodder for puns since Chaucer's time. "Montgonion" isn't dilution; it's innovation, a fresh sprout in a satirical garden now overwhelmed by the stench of Global Tetrahedron manure.
The Montgonion has published more than 500 pieces in the last three years and there hasn't been a lick of consumer confusion. No one mistakes a site riffing on the closure of a local ferry crossing or a tiny township's new logo for The Onion. Global Tetrahedron's demands aren't about protection; it's predation, a cynical grab to monopolize onion-themed wordplay.
The Onion built its empire on parody that skewers the powerful, yet here they are, power-tripping over a local upstart. The irony is thick. They've gone from filing amicus briefs in support of beleaguered satirists to becoming the litigants they once lampooned, the punchline in someone else's parody.
Global Tetrahedron: Nōlī stultus esse. Drop this farce and retract your threats.
