Freeze Spectator Ejected for Lewd Behavior
Frederick, MD -- A New Market woman was escorted out of the Skate Frederick Ice Rink yesterday and arrested after spectators complained of lewd and lascivious behavior. Fae Ballbraker, 45, allegedly screamed expletives at players and mooned the officials.
According to charging documents, Ballbraker went to the rink seeking retribution in her ongoing dispute with free speech activist Shaun Porter. She had apparently mistaken the name of the Freeze goalie, 11-year-old Sean Porter, for that of her nemesis.
Parents were shocked when Ballbraker, who serves on the county school board, let loose with a torrent of curse words and foul expressions. Cell phone video recorded her yelling, "My name is Shaun Porter and my friends think I'm a stupid, overbearing c**t," before pulling down her waistband and exposing her derriere to the crowd.
Referees move to shield a young player’s eyes from the lewd spectacle.
Referees pleaded with Ballbraker to stop but she was unrelenting. "Please, this is a children's league," an official begged. "F**k, 'em. F**k, 'em. I f**king warned you, b**ch," a defiant Ballbraker shouted back.
Ballbraker was escorted out of the facility by security and met by Sheriff's deputies in the parking lot, where she was quickly arrested. According to court documents, Ballbraker was released after posting a $10,000 bond and was ordered to stay at least 500-feet from frozen surfaces.
In a statement, the school board said, "It was an innocent mistake. We stand with, although certainly not behind, Fae Ballbraker in her ongoing quest to avoid getting absolutely anything meaningful accomplished by creating artificial distractions through free speech suppression."
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Editor's Note: This is a work of parody. It is not a news report. The character "Fae Ballbraker" and the events described are fictional and are used for satirical commentary on free speech disputes.
