Germantown 7-Eleven Runs into Cars

Germantown, MD – Frustrated by what it calls “retail profiling” by distracted Montgomery County drivers, a Germantown 7-Eleven took a preemptive strike against five idling motorists outside its front windows today, jumping ten feet off its foundation and crushing their vehicles.

"It was just a matter of time before one of those mother f__ers came barreling through the glass and smashed the Slurpee machine," said the 7-Eleven. "I won’t have a Camry in my coffee queue."

An SUV drove into this Germantown Food Mart on December 15, 2019 (Photo Credit: Montgomery County Fire & Rescue

Convenience stores across Montgomery County claim they are victims of retail profiling by local drivers and cheered the Germantown 7-Eleven for taking a stand. "If authorities won't protect us, convenient vigilantism will," said a 7-Eleven store in Derwood that was hit in 2022.

A vehicle went through the front wall of a 7-Eleven convenience store in Derwood on Feb. 14, 2022. (Photo Credit: Montgomery County Fire & Rescue)

Drivers in Germantown were left stunned. "I was minding my own business, redistributing the cheese across my Big Bite and fiddling with the radio while talking to my granddaughter and applying eye liner, when suddenly there's ten tons of steel, glass, and concrete raining down," said 83-year-old Shirley Miller.

A truck drove into this 7-Eleven in Rockville on August 14, 2021 (Photo Credit: Rockville Police Department)

Investigators say no charges will be filed in the Germantown 7-Eleven incident. "This was clearly an act of self-defense," a police spokesperson said.