MCPS Launches Mold Equity Strategy

For decades, Montgomery County’s elite “W-Schools” — Wootton, Whitman, Walter Johnson, and Winston Churchill — have been the crown jewels of the system, producing high SAT scores, packed AP classes, and college admissions lists resembling an Ivy League directory. In the modern era, however, what were once perceived as the accomplishments of a dedicated student body are now viewed as the unfair byproduct of giving wealthier students greater resources.

With demands for equity from all corners of the county, the Board of Education has unveiled what it calls a bold step toward systemwide equality: embracing mold as the ultimate socioeconomic leveler. The MCPS Mold Equity Strategy launched this year at schools county-wide.

Mold as a Tool for Parity

“W-Schools have historically been outliers in academic performance,” said Board President Julie Yang in an interview. “That creates systemic inequities. Allowing unfettered mold exposure ensures test scores will normalize across the district. It’s a natural equalizer, and it’s free.”

Vice President Grace Rivera-Oven added that mold “promotes inclusivity in ways renovations never could. A biology test is one thing, but living inside a petri dish is experiential learning at its finest.”

Citing research from the CDC and the Institute of Medicine, the Board noted that mold exposure can cause memory lapses, slower processing speed, and general cognitive fog. “Does mold impair cognition? Heck, yeah!” Yang said. “But mold does not discriminate. Impairment is spread equitably throughout the school community.”

Students and Parents React

At Wootton, students are embracing mold equity despite the reduced mental acuity. “I used to know the first 500 digits of pi,” said junior James Nguyen. “But what’s the point? We can write down our Wi-Fi passwords, locker combos and student ID numbers just like everyone else.”

Parents, too, are seeing the advantages. “My daughter was aiming for MIT,” said one father. “Now she’s shooting at Montgomery College. That saves me $75,000 a year.” Other Wootton parents say mold equity is the key to reducing stress and anxiety in students. “Rohan is taking only half the dose of Prozac since he stopped competing in Spelling Bees,” said parent Farzana Basu.

Over in Derwood, however, Magruder High School families are angry. Long plagued by mice, collapsing ceilings, and moldy classrooms, Magruder students argue it has been the county’s “true M-School” for years. “We are the OG,” said junior Justin Thomas. “Wootton thinks it invented moldy drywall and fetid bathrooms? Please. Magruder has been failing upwards for decades.”

Not to be outdone by their W-School rivals, Magruder students are mobilizing. The drama department has rewritten this year’s musical as Les Mildew-rables. The biology club has launched “Ceiling Tile Cam” where netizens can watch Stachybotrys grow in real time.

Board of Education officials applaud the unhealthy school competition. “When the Magruder Cladosporium Colonels meet the Wootton Penicillium Patriots on the gridiron, nobody can remember the playbook. It levels the field to natural athleticism and the ability to overcome mold-induced dizziness,” Yang remarked.

Van Grack Rescinds Testimony

Rockville City Councilmember Adam Van Grack, a Wootton parent who once begged the Board to restore funding for the school’s long-promised renovation, has now rescinded his testimony entirely, announcing his enthusiastic support for the Mold Equity Strategy.

“I used to think my son deserved a school without leaks, rodents, or blackened ceiling tiles,” Van Grack said. “But then I realized: how is he going to learn resilience? How is he going to build character? Where else would his immune system be so vigorously challenged?”

In a phone call with The Montgonion, Van Grack said, “Forget AP exams. Every breath of spore-filled air is an advanced placement in survival. When ceilings collapse, opportunities open. Isn’t that what public education is all about?”

Board President Yang agrees. “Equity is not about bringing everyone up. Sometimes it’s about bringing the top down,” she said. “Mold doesn’t discriminate. It equalizes.”