Republicans Clip Ears in Show of National Unity

In the two days since former President Donald Trump surprised adoring RNC delegates by appearing on stage with a bandaged right ear, thousands of Republicans have shown up at Milwaukee emergency rooms to get their self-mutilated ears stitched and bandaged.

"We are overwhelmed, out of sutures, running low on bandages. They just keep coming," said Larry Schacht, director of the Milwaukee’s largest hospital, St. Luke's Medical Center, in a CNN interview.

RNC delegates say clipping their right ears is the ultimate sign of national unity. "If President Trump can take a bullet for his country, surely I can take a toe nail scissor to my earlobe," said Florida delegate Marceline Jones.

The Department of Homeland Security, under heat for Trump rally security failures, says the agency mobilized 40 containers of gauze and sutures kits to Milwaukee, along with a team of audiologists and plastic surgeons. “It arrives Saturday,” DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas told CNN’s Jake Tapper.

Milwaukee's police chief said investigators are looking into reports of price gouging at local pharmacies, where boxes of 2x2 gauze pads are reportedly selling for $600 each.

"People are willing to pay. It's supply and demand. What could be more MAGA?" asked CVS manager Joe Wilson.

With #trumpear trending on Tik Tok, health officials nationwide are bracing for impact.

"It's the ultimate expression of unity. People who love America will do it, and when you go to Walmart you'll immediately know who's who, who belongs and who doesn't," delegate Jones said.