Second Screw Worm case confirmed in Montgomery County

ROCKVILLE, Md. - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has confirmed a second U.S. case of Screw Worm in Maryland, and they are particularly concerned because it was spread through local transmission in Montgomery County.

The rare parasite, known for burrowing into living tissue and reproducing by screwing its host over and over again, was detected at the Rockville office of The Montgonion shortly after the Montgomery County Council denied the independent outlet press access for the fifth time.

CDC officials say the worm was found lodged in The Montgonion’s media credential application. “It looks like they got screwed hard,” a spokesperson said. “Every time they tried to wriggle free, the worm just screwed them deeper.”

The parasite is believed to have originated in the Council's legal department, where restrictive “ethics and professionalism” guidelines provided a fertile environment for screwing satirical publications.

“Frankly, the Council set the stage,” one health expert noted. “They shut the doors, bolted the gates, and left one newsroom outside to get screwed.”

Montgomery County Council President Kate Stewart has denied any role in the infestation, insisting the Council’s policies are neutral. “The Montgonion screwed itself,” Stewart told reporters from behind a Zoom screen. “We’re just here to enforce standards. If the satirists feel screwed, maybe they shouldn’t have trolled me on Twitter.”

CDC experts caution that once the Screw Worm latches on, the cycle of screwing rarely ends. “Every denial, every delay, every vague reference to professionalism — that’s the worm at work, screwing the host raw,” the agency explained.

Residents are being advised to watch for symptoms of infection, including relentless frustration, gnawing sarcasm, and sudden loss of first amendment rights. “If you think you’ve been screwed by the Council, you probably have,” one official warned.

The Montgonion says it plans to continue publishing, even as it remains host to the worm and the remainder of its staff are under quarantine. “We’ve been screwed a half dozen times,” the editorial board wrote. “And as long as the Council keeps screwing us, we’ll keep leaning into it.”

Publisher’s Note: No one from The Montgonion has Screw Worm, but we really been denied access to the County Council’s Media Availabilities. Read our Editorial: Barring The Montgonion, County Assaults Press Freedom