Burtonsville Plunges into Collective Despair
BURTONSVILLE, MD — In what health officials call “the most sudden and comprehensive emotional collapse of a community since Jonestown,” the village of Burtonsville has been plunged into a deep and unrelenting depression following the indefinite Facebook suspension of neighbor Dave Golden.
Golden, founder of the 4,000-strong Burtonsville 2.0 Facebook group and unofficial Mayor of Sass and Civic Pride, has now been absent from the timeline for eight unbearable weeks.
“We’re not okay,” said longtime resident Katie S., wiping away tears with a crumpled printout of one of Dave’s classic Robin Ficker roast posts. “I haven’t smiled since his last meme.”
“I thought my depression was seasonal,” said resident Chris W., eyes hollow and staring into the middle distance. “Then I realized—no, it’s Dave. It’s always been Dave.”
Golden is credited with heroic feats in the real-world version of Burtonsville, including restoring the Burton Family Historic Cemetery, bringing disparate parties together to revitalize the Burtonsville Crossing Shopping Center, and hosting the now-legendary Bash at the Barn.
But it was his online presence that truly made Golden a cornerstone of local morale. “His jokes were our morning coffee,” sobbed Romain B. “His Metro urine odor rankings and relentless trolling of Jeffrey's Subs and Pizza kept the darkness at bay.”
In Dave’s absence, group engagement has plummeted. Posts about lost pets now go unanswered. Questions about when Burger King is reopening stopped completely. The Montgonion hasn't posted a meme about Glenmont in weeks.
People are desperate for Dave. “We tried projecting his old posts onto the side of the Bedding Barn,” said Mikey B. “It helped…but people got splinters hitting the Like."
All of Burtonsville lives in a Dave-shaped hole that only Meta can fill, health officials say.
If you or someone you know is experiencing Dave Golden withdrawal, contact the Burtonsville Emotional Support Hotline at 1-800-MISS-DAVE. Operators are standing by to read you the Restaurant 198 menu in a soothing voice.
