‘Youse Need Some Real Nooz, Hon!’: Baltimore Banner Bursts into MoCo
In a MoCo-themed fusion of wine, journalism, and vowel mutilation, The Baltimore Banner hosted a glitzy soirée this week to celebrate the launch of its Montgomery County newsroom.
The Banner spared no expense, providing guests with charcuterie boards arranged like the Montgomery County crest and designer cocktails, including a frozen ICC-ey Paywall Margarita and White's Ferry Toll-tini, at a glitzy Chevy Chase mansion that smelled faintly of newsprint, ambition, and Old Bay-spritzed canapés.
Banner MoCo Chief editor Randolph Grosvenor, flushed with the glow of self-congratulation and a Patuxent Farms boxed rosé, told guests, "We're here ta tell da story of da people, y'know? Da real ones. Like da guy slingin' crabs out his truck by da Shady Grove Metro, or da teacher who still calls it 'Merlin History' even tho MCPS done tol' him ta cut dat oot." He paused, taking a sip. "Unlike some ootfits, we ain't just gonna be sharin' Reels of steak 'n cheese, hon. And let's be real, if it's free, how much 'nooz' can it really be?"
Different from All the Rest
As Banner executives waxed poetic about their mission over rounds of Patrón Silver Sligo Shooters and boasted of a new level of journalism in Montgomery County, they couldn’t resist a few Utz-stained elbow jabs at local media outlets.
“Look, we seen da MoCo Shyow an’ all,” said Grosvenor, adjusting his Oriole-patterned bowtie, “but half dat stuff’s jus’ lists of square piza an’ the MoCo guy in sunglasses sayin’ ‘Didya know there's a new Dunkin' near Olney?’ I mean, come on, dummy, you ain’t Cap'n 20—it’s local nooz. Well, youse get what youse pay for."
Politics beat reporter Brooke Ashton chimed in while double-fisting Loose Cannon IPAs. "Muhgummry Perspective? Hawn, that thing's so didactic 'n pedantic it's like listenin' to a zownin' 'torrney run his mouf at dinnah—an' you'ns trapped between Churyl Kagan gabbin' 'bout Senate bills and Mauk Elrick arguin' wit' the salad." She added, "And don't even get me started on tryin' ta read laaawng-ass Bohtesda Maguzine. I worz readin’ a piece in d’ere ’bout backyard poul trends, and by paragraph twenty-four, I done forgot what season it was, for real."
The highlight of the evening was a rousing speech by Banner’s founder, Choice Hotels Chairman Stewart W. Bainum, Jr. “Thank y’all fer comin’ out ta support our work. We been grindin’ since 2022, baby, back when folks still thought a ‘nonprofit nooz rhoom’ was jus’ a billiohnaire wit’ a blog. If it ain't got a real staff, real reporting, and a real price tag, it's just noyise."
"We ain't tryin' ta compete wit’ da other nooz. Nah, we a different light source, hon. We da moonlight over the Potomac, baby. Reflectin’ what y’all goin’ through, but, like, with a paywall," Grosvenor mused as the evening wound to a close.
