FTC Disclosures Reveal Montgonion Entanglements
In order to maintain compliance with Federal Trade Commission regulations, The Montgonion hereby discloses the following sponsorships, paid endorsements and related business relationships:
Montgomery County Public Schools - we were awarded a sole-source, no-bid contract to promote MCPS transparency initiatives. Our NDA prohibits further disclosures.
Sixx Cool Moms - in lieu of compensation for promoting events and activities, we have permission to leer at Jenna's heavy Jewish breasts.
The MoCo Show - as compensation for parodying their content, we were promised (but have yet to receive) 3-Oh-1 t-shirts.
Montgomery County Park Police - in recognition of our community service in Glenmont, we receive a 50% discount on all civil citations and fines.
Signs by Tomorrow - in exchange for paying a 35% printing surcharge, they agreed to our NDA's anonymity clause.
Robin Ficker - we receive $25 any time we mention his name, $100 per meme, and a $1,500 monthly retainer to moderate his Facebook group.
Lovecraft Laurel Adult Boutique - in return for brand endorsements, we receive $6 in arcade tokens for every $5 spent.
Takoma Torch - we receive $1 per Like, $5 per HaHa, and $25 per Share of their posts. We also received $48,250 for the Infowars parody.
Dunkin' Donuts - as compensation for promoting community engagement activities, we receive 12 boosted points instead of 10 for every dollar spent.
Westfield Wheaton Mall - in lieu of monetary inducement for promotional services, we were promised front row seats next to Marc Elrich at the mall's 2026 Led Zeppelin reunion concert.
Whites Ferry - in return for alternative modal consulting services, we receive 0.05% of all fares paid in 2024/2025.
Stronghold LLC - as compensation for promoting Sugarloaf Mountain tourism, we received exclusive mining rights through 2050.
First Street Tavern - in return for posting Amy's food porn, we still get the generous "Jonathan's pour."
Pumphrey Funeral Home, Olney Ale House, and Lake Forest Mall sculpture artist - in return for suppressing our laughter, threatened lawsuits never materialized.
