Escaped Monkeys Reject Elrich's Asylum Offer

The monkeys who escaped from a research facility in South Carolina last week rejected an invitation from Montgomery County Executive Marc Elrich to take sanctuary in the woods adjacent to the Enclave Silver Spring apartments and pelted him with feces.

The forty-two cold and starving rhesus macaque primates, evading detention in the woods near the Alpha Genesis primate facility, say they do not trust Elrich and his asylum proposal is a political stunt.

"This is the guy who signed an executive order declaring the county an immigrant sanctuary, and then furtively began supporting ICE detention and arrests a few years later. He has no credibility," said Cornelius, a monkey who would only give his first name for anonymity.

Elrich signed the Promoting Community Trust Executive Order in 2019 to reaffirm and expand the county’s zero-cooperation policy with immigration authorities, but quietly reversed course after a serial criminal illegal immigrant whom Elrich's order twice shielded from deportation shot and killed a 2-year-old.

Discussions with the South Carolina group remained civil even after they rejected the Enclave proposal, but a deceptive counter offer led to monkey mayhem.

"Elrich said not to worry about county policies, that he has connections in Takoma Park with ironclad municipal sanctuary protections," Cornelius told The Montgonion.

It was only after the monkeys learned Elrich did not disclose Takoma zoning rules prohibiting three or more unrelated monkeys from sharing the same tree that the feces began flying.

"He was willing to deceive and divide simian families for his own political agenda. It is sickening," Cornelius said. The monkeys accuse Elrich of catering to progressives by welcoming immigrants, then pandering to conservatives by setting them up for detention.

Despite peppering Elrich with poop, the monkeys say legitimate sanctuary within Maryland may still happen, but in Prince George’s County, the only local jurisdiction that still enforces sanctuary protections that swept across municipalities after Donald Trump became president in 2016.

"Senator-elect Alsobrooks is pulling strings to get us into a maple grove in Patuxent River Park," Cornelius said. “She mentioned we can get tax exemptions too.”