What to Do if OMB Knocks on Your Door
Hours after President Donald Trump was sworn in, he signed an executive order to get more than 1 million telecommuting federal workers back in the office full-time.
The DC Metro region is home to the largest telecommuting federal employee population in the U.S. More than 58% of suburban high school students have at least one parent who watches The View every day and who mastered bread making in the past 5 years. For these families, returning to the workplace represents a return to KFC bucket dinners, teary-eyed doggy daycare drop-offs, and the potential loss of afternoon naps.
Regardless of their union status, telecommuting government employees have rights. To ensure those rights are respected during interactions with Office of Management and Budget (OMB) agents, advocates across the country are hosting workshops, in person and online. Here are a few things you can do to help yourself and others:
1. Do not open the door if OMB comes knocking. NO MATTER how loud they knock and terrify your formerly feral cats. Ask them for a return-to-work order signed by your supervisor with your name and employee ID on it. Open your BlueSky account if you have one, with the door still closed, and live-skeet what is happening.
2. If you encounter OMB outside, you have the right to claim you weren't aware of President Trump's executive order. Tell them you haven't watched the news since November 6th. You don't have to give them your GS level. You don't have to tell them which agency you are from. Once they stop asking you questions, ask them if the guy who eats broccoli salad for lunch every day still works in your cubicle section. If they say yes, show them an old Covid-positive test kit. Carry one with you at all times.
3. Carry your employment contract and copy of your union's collective bargaining agreement, if you have one. DO NOT walk around in public with a Skilcraft pen, Blackberry or ID lanyard.
4. OMB agents will lie. Do not believe promises of personal laser printers, office space with a window, or unlimited Green Mountain coffee.
5. Do not sign up for a shared workspace without the advice of an attorney.
6. If you are a parent, designate someone to pick your kids up from school just in case, and leave a key under the rock by the front door. Have a refrigerator stocked with Lunchables and juice boxes, and hide your weed and alcohol from teens.
7. Talk to your kids now and be honest. Explain that after your 90-minute commute it will seem like you don't give a shit about their day.
8. Find a new job with a company that allows telecommuting and doesn't hire a radically different CEO every four years. Give the company's job portal link to the guy who eats broccoli salad every day.
We understand the stress and fear. We remember what it was like to share an office refrigerator and, God help us, a restroom, with 57 people. We also have drawers full of flannel pants and no khakis and are accustomed to showering less frequently than a European. We will get through this again, together.
#KnowYourRights
Disclaimer: This is a Public Service Announcement for informational purposes. Although I thought about going to law school, this does not create an attorney/client relationship with anyone reading or using this information.
