Health Dept: Don’t Copulate on Mattress Behind Fitzgerald Dealership

The North Bethesda Public Health Department has asked residents not to copulate on the mattress behind Fitzgerald Subaru and Hyundai on Route 355.

From their press release: “There is a mattress behind Fitzgerald on Huff Court. Please DO NOT have sex on it. Copulating on damaged or discarded innerspring mattresses may lead to penetration and disease."

Huff Court, which runs parallel to Route 355 at the rear of the Fitzgerald property, terminates at the former White Flint Mall site, in an area referred to as North Bethesda by Realtors, Kensington by Google Maps, and Trashy Town by Harwood Flats residents.

“I understand the urge to have sex on dank mattresses stained with bodily fluids and inexplicably dumped at the end of Huff Court next to huge piles of old tires and trash,” said Health Commissioner Dottie Ottomahl. “But we must not act on those urges. Especially not more than once. It’s unsanitary.”

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Editor's Note: Any resemblance between this report and other local health department news is purely plagiarism. Special thanks to free speech hero Ricardo Paye for his inspiration.