MoCo Considers Sarcophagus for Glenmont Center
In a move signaling an end to decades of governmental indolence, the Montgomery County Council will consider legislation this week to encase the Glenmont Shopping Center in a massive steel-and-concrete sarcophagus modeled after the New Safe Confinement structure at Chernobyl.
The Retail Entombment and Public Aesthetic Restoration Act (REPARA) is sponsored by Councilmember Natali Fani-González, who unveiled the plan while standing in front of Irene's Pupusas, flanked by renderings of the proposed dome and a live Geiger counter for dramatic effect.
“We've considered patching potholes, adding police foot patrols, and enforcing building codes and public health regulations,” Fani-González told reporters. “But at this point, sealing the entire shopping center in a 35,000-ton sarcophagus offers the path of least resistance.”
The proposal comes after decades of dreamy revitalization concepts, including the ill-fated 2024 plan to turn the entire strip mall into a landfill. Despite four Glenmont Sector Plan iterations advocating systemic change and less pungent urine odor, the county has remained committed to half-measures—until now.
Design Details Inspired by Post-Soviet Brutalism
Architectural plans show a 300-foot-wide dome made of reinforced steel, concrete, and the collective dreams of Glenmont residents who once hoped for a Trader Joe’s. The design includes solar panels, LED-lit danger signage, and a hostel for vagrants who continue to loiter nearby despite the radiation-style warnings.
“The Glenmont sarcophagus won’t just trap the structural blight and endless tumbleweeds of Subway napkins,” said County Engineer Alexander Neglectsky. “It’ll become an iconic landmark — a beacon of what happens when four decades of Planning Board recommendations are ignored."
Council Assures: “Not a Metaphor”
When asked whether the bill symbolically represents the county’s long-standing refusal to deal with Glenmont’s deeper issues — like structural degradation, divisions among center owners, and reliance on a satire website to maintain minimum standards of human decency — Fani-González was adamant.
“This is not a metaphor,” she said. “This is literally about building a sarcophagus to avoid doing hard, complicated things. And that's a campaign promise too.”
The Council will vote on the measure next Thursday and it is expected to pass, despite three members unwilling to commit to their support.
Evan Glass objects to the exemption allowing Glen Wayne Gardens condos to plant decorative bamboo to block views of the sarcophagus. Andrew Friedson seeks assurance that area homes rezoned under his More Housing N.O.W. proposal will retain their multi-unit development status. Will Jawando plans an amendment to increase county commercial property and retail sales taxes by three percent to fund sarcophagus construction and maintenance.
