Neighborhoods Demand Glenmont Drop the "Glen"
A coalition of diverse Montgomery County neighborhoods and historically respected enclaves with “Glen” in their names has launched a formal petition to have Glenmont forcibly renamed, citing reputational damage, declining Glen-brand equity, and an “embarrassing divergence from Glen standards.”
The group, rallying under the banner "Make Glen Great Again," includes representatives from Glen Echo, Glen Hills, Glen Mar Park, Glenbrooke, Glen Mill Knolls, Glen Mill Village, Potomac Glen, Forest Glen, Glenstone, and Glen Echo Heights--well-kept enclaves known for tree-lined streets, quaint community events, and a shared embarrassment over being linked to Glenmont.
“Look, we’ve all worked hard to build up the Glen brand,” said Glenda Glenetsky of Glen Echo Heights, speaking from her clapboard porch beside a small-batch elderflower lemonade stand. “Glenmont is dragging the rest of us down with its perpetual Metro station urine odor, mounds of rubbish, and whatever that abandoned mattress was doing behind Lidl for four months. It’s time we drew a line.”
The movement gained traction after a viral Instagram reel titled “Glenmont is Not a Glen, It’s a State of Emergency” featured drone footage of the Glenmont Shopping Center with three closed vape shops, a pothole swallowing an abandoned Econoline van, and Kennedy High School students licking the dust from discarded cannabis packaging.
Forest Glen spokesperson Dr. Glenford Glennington III said his neighborhood has “long wrestled with being unfairly lumped in with Glenmont” on delivery maps. “I ordered sushi once, and the driver panicked at Layhill Road and left it on a bus bench. I had to eat my toro warm, like some sort of Glenmont savage.”
Glenstone, the posh private museum known for its pristine architecture and quiet existential dread, also weighed in. In a rare public statement, curators said, “Glenmont is antithetical to the minimalist serenity of Glenness. A 7-Eleven that sells single cigarettes is not art.”
Residents of Glen Mill Knolls noted that local children had stopped including “Glen” in their return addresses out of “fear of social reprisal during summer enrichment camps.”
Even Glen Echo, a town best known for historic trolley rides and interpretive pottery, threw shade. “We have working fountains with ornamental koi. Glenmont has a toxic storm pond filled with abandoned shopping carts,” said town historian Gylnn Gluinnington.
The petition, already boasting over 3,000 signatures, suggests alternative names for Glenmont including Glemnot, False Arcadia, and South Aspen Hill.
The Montgomery County Council has agreed to take up the petition for discussion this fall, though insiders say Councilmember Natali Fani-Gonzalez has proposed an alternate solution: encasing Glenmont in a concrete sarcophagus and “never speaking of it again.”
Glenmont residents, downcast after decades of neglect, are fully onboard and see a rename as their chance to escape humiliation. Local activist Glenn “G-man” Glinliddy has vowed to urinate only in the Glenmont Metro station parking garage stairwells until the petition is codified. “We've spent the last 30 years in the shadows of greater Glens, losing opportunities because our name suggests prosperity,” he said. “Meanwhile areas like White Oak and Briggs Chaney get new Trader Joe's and WaWa's.”
As of press time, the Glenmont Mattress behind Lidl had reportedly disappeared. Authorities are unsure if it was stolen by protesters, relocated to the Silver Spring Historical Society Museum, or consumed by maggots.
