Montgonion Endorsements for the 2024 Elections
Let's face it--few of us have the time or interest to learn about election candidates and their positions, especially local ones. In a county like Montgomery where party affiliation doesn’t distinguish candidates, that leaves the uninformed majority with only one criterion in the voting booth: whose name do we like better? With that as our guiding principle and having spent the previous night watching 1980s hits on TV Land, let's jump right into The Montgonion's 2024 elections analysis and endorsements.
President and Vice President of the United States: Kamala Harris and Tim Waltz, Donald J. Trump and JD Vance
When senior party leaders can’t pronounce the candidate’s name, it doesn’t leave voters with much confidence. Is it Dawneld, Doughneld, Don-old, or Don-L'd? Unless the GOP reaches consensus quickly, our nod goes to Harris.
U.S. Senator: Angela Alsobrooks, Larry Hogan, Mike Scott
Alsobrooks? We Googled and can't find another. Is it a surname or a Toll Brothers community? Michael Scott would be ineffective without that’s what she said opportunities in the Senate. Hogan reminds us of Hogan's Heroes, and he looks like Shultz. There was also that show, Hello, Larry, and we always felt Henry Blake shouldn't have been killed off M*A*S*H. Hogan gets our endorsement.
Representative in Congress District 4: Glenn F. Ivey, George McDermott
This one is easy. George McDermott makes us think of George McFly (Marty's father), an uninspired man who was generally afraid to take even the tiniest daring step. Glenn reminds us of Glenn Fellman, a hilarious guy with a heart of gold. Glenn it is.
Representative in Congress District 6: April McClain Delaney, Neil Parrott
It would be hard enough to vote for someone named Parrott, but Neil? Have you ever met a Neil you didn’t want to punch? Our pick is Delaney. Or is it McClain Delane? And shouldn’t that be hyphenated? Argh, never mind, vote for Parrott.
Representative in Congress District 8: Jamie Raskin, Cheryl Riley, Nancy Wallace
We love Raskin & Robbins Jamoca Almond Fudge. Riley and Wallace who?
The Judges
There is just one candidate for each position and our judicial system can't run without judges so check the damn Yes boxes and don't ask questions.
Board of Education At Large: Lynne Harris, Rita Montoya
“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Need we say more? Rita for the win.
Board of Education, District 2: Brenda Diaz, Natalie Zimmerman
Brenda Morgenstern was Rhoda's frumpy sister. Natalie Green was the frumpy friend on Facts of Life. Brenda’s actor was funny and went on be the voice of Marge Simpson. Natalie’s actor was irritating and never had another TV role. We back Brenda.
Board of Education, District 4: Shebra Evans, Laura Stewart
Shebra is fun to say. Speak it out loud three times fast and you'll be smiling. Plus, she defends the secrets of Castle Grayskull. But Evans reminds us of Fred Evans our high school vice principal and a total dick. Stewart makes us think of Stewart's Root Beer which is the best. Sorry, Shebra, you're out.
Ballot Question 1 - Right to Reproductive Freedom
We are unwavering in our belief in the absolute right to reproductive freedom. We love nostalgia!. Did you see our Montgomery Donut signs? Reproductions allow us to create things from the past without fear of persecution. We're voting Yes.
Ballot Question A: County Executive Term Limits
We think Mark Elrich is an ersatz elite, bumbling, pompous asshole. And we generally favor term limits. But what if the next person is good at their job and likable? That's bad for The Montgonion's business model. Vote No.
