Satan's Septic Source of Safeway Stink

It is the most evil smelling restroom in Montgomery County, Maryland­­, and now investigators know why.

For years, customers of the Safeway in the Rock Creek Village Center in Rockville have complained to no avail about the evil odor in, and emanating from, the men's restroom. Last month when union officials threatened to strike unless employees received an extra 10 minutes of break time to run over to Exxon, Albertsons Companies, Inc. dispatched a team of engineers to investigate.

"We assumed it was some combination of poor sanitation, inadequate ventilation and malfunctioning receptacles. While those conditions do exist, the actual source of the odor is Satan's waterless urinal,” lead engineer Les Finkter wrote in a report to Albertsons executives.

Because of Hell's searing temperature, Satan's septic system relies on waterless technology and waste incineration. Though Satan recycles the heat, fumes and odor into the Hellish environment, trace amounts are known to escape through geothermal vents. Until the discovery under Safeway's men's room, the closest known underworld septic vent was off the NJ Turnpike at Exit 15E in Newark.

"It is the worst smell in the universe, truly unimaginable, and I'm shocked it hasn't killed anyone," said Father Lankester Merrin of the Vatican Office of Gastronomical Exorcism. "It's the same gaseous mix that caused the Permian mass extinction, if you believe in that kind of thing," he added.

Albertsons officials say capping Satan's waterless urinal drain line would prove costly in terms of construction, and possibly their souls. However, a similarly soulless counter-proposal to the employees’ union that offered an extra 3 minutes of break time was rejected.

Meantime, customers say a solution can't happen soon enough. "There's a Chipotle opening in the shopping center next month and Safeway employees get a discount. What the hell happens then?" asked Flower Valley resident Joanna Eberhart on Facebook.